royal_behavior

...because it creates a new us, invigorates us, and raises us into higher beings that desire to be the best, love is built in us to pursue, and therefore we chase after it like it's a necessity, like thirst and hunger, yet the results parallel that of ecstasy running through one's veins in which the feeling of temporary invincibility takes over the mind and body. It's an all-natural high, with somewhat unfamiliar results each time it is felt.

Ahh the rain... throughout my childhood, I've always found it fascinating. It was fun being drenched. It was like being in a pool, except the water was separated into little falling pieces. I was always sad when my mom wouldn't let me play in the rain.
When I got into my teenage years, the rain was my enemy. My perfect hairdo would fall flat, my makeup would feel wet and smeared, and my clothes are no longer presentable. It caused football games to be canceled, events to be postponed, and simply puts me in a bad mood.
Just a few minutes ago, before I entered this library, I carried my little white umbrella with pink, yellow, and blue hearts and took a walk from the dining hall in order to get to my class a little earlier. The rain started pouring. At first I found it annoying, but then it started to seem a bit more like a curtain or shield of some kind. People won't be able to see me that well, nor would they be able to hear me. I hummed a little tune to myself as I walked closer to the library. It was then that I realized the rain was never really that bad. It's actually pretty calming.



I don't want to go to class :(

I was going to just edit my last post and add this in, but it's two completely different subjects. And I don't think these two topics would go together that well.

So, I went to my scholars forum, and this week's topic was "Afghanistan and Pakistan". OK, I thought. I'm learning some information about the war, and the culture of these two countries. Shouldn't be too boring.May even be kinda interesting. At first it was a small documentary of what was going on in Afghanistan with the American soldiers being confused about what to do because of Taliban's invasion on a village. Okay, pretty interesting and educational.


Then we go on to PAKISTAN.


Apparently, the poorer families send their children Madrassas, where they are fed and get to live. They don't learn math or reading, but learn the Koran. Pretty good deal for families, right? Well READ THIS:

Madrassas have been used to promote religious extremism, where they educate the kids to have pride in blowing themselves up in the name of their lord. While this may be old news, I was completely horrified when they have a little kid sing a tune. It started off so sweet, and I was thinking "Aw, what a nice little song this kid learned" until I read the lyrics at the bottom of the screen. Here is a bit of it:

They will not find my body whole
They will find my body in little pieces

These children are taught that to sacrifice themselves is an honor, and that it would be the most wonderful thing to do! They aren't going to fight wars in Pakistan; They are going to Afghanistan to fight! They are most likely planning on blowing themselves up to kill Americans in order to become Martyrs!! WHAT IN THE WORLD!?? The people responsible for the teachings of the Madrassas are using these poor children's easily molded minds for war tactics!

I was told to discuss what I saw with someone near me, and the boy that sat in front of me turned around, and waited for me to say something, but all I had was this expression on my face of which I will reenact to show whoever reads my journal (of which I'm sure barely anyone does but oh well):




Yeah. This was the most DISTURBING Scholars forum I have been to thus far. The first one was so nice and happy! We had a skilled musician play such lovely music for us! The two others that came with it was boring so I fell asleep... But this one. I have no words to describe this one. Not that I was against it, I guess... I mean, at least I learned a lot of things.

At first I was thinking, Someone should stop those people from teaching their children such horrid acts! But then, America itself likes to go into other countries' business and make it their own... I've always felt that was kind of wrong, but... What if they learn all this stuff just to attack the U.S!?

And here's another thing. As a United States citizen who grew up with American beliefs, I am truly against the Madrassas of Pakistan and their treatment of women and children. But who am I to say what is right or wrong for someone else's country? They have their own idea of what's moral and immoral. Would it be wrong to impose our thoughts to people of different cultures? Would the argument that it could possibly, but not positively, be directed towards the U.S justify a possible abolishment of such teachings?

I can finally be the person I've always wanted to be now... and it feels great. No longer, am I the person my parents are trying to mold into. I have a say in what I want to do.

I don't ever want to be selfish again. This selfish person I was, she always lived on a chilly November day, with no one to really trust. She believed what adults said when they told her "People around you are all selfish themselves. You should take what you can and leave nothing to them. Every man for himself."

This wasn't who I wanted to be. I wanted to be kind and giving. I wanted to make people happy by offering them my friendship and help. I felt like I couldn't before, because everyone would all call me "the naive little girl who lets people take advantage of her". It was a literally cold feeling because I believed I had to act like that to protect myself.

But now that I'm out on my own now, I realized that what makes me happy is doing what I love to do: being a happy and giving person.

I was in such a deep panic when I walked home from my Management class to find out that MY KEYS WERE MISSING! I tried to convince myself not to panic while I worry over the $200 worth of keys I lost, the pepper spray keychain that my suitemate Sarah bought me and I haven't even fully paid her back yet, and how my parents are going to get so angry at me that I lost something else again and that they will have to pay for...
I asked a custodian to let me in, but he can only let me in the suite but not my dorm. I went in the lounge and dumped everything out, trying to find it, but I couldn't! So I asked a girl from the neighboring suite if I can use her phone, but then I realized that I don't remember my roommate Sandra's number! So that girl suggested that I go downstairs and ask for a spare at the moment. I went down to the C information building and asked if anyone found a missing set of keys. That guy said no, so I asked if I can use a spare, and when he lifted up a wooden tray, there were my keys!!! the one with a pink pepper spray key chain and the little Chinese good luck charm with a goldfish at the bottom that I accidentally broke... So he gave it back to me and I'm finally in my dorm! Phew!

Wow, I've been blogging in here a lot... Guess I didn't want to miss any of my last few days before college.

Jeremy asked if I wanted to go to Methodist to see Mr. Dumas and see how their newly formed marching band is doing. I agreed a few days earlier, but didn't wake up early enough to go with him because I went to sleep at 2 and couldn't get up at 7. I texted him and went back to sleep. At 11, he woke me up and said he was coming to pick me up during his lunch break. I hurried to get ready and he came to my door to get me. We met Alex at Burger King to show him where to go. Alex and I made him a little late, so I felt really bad about it, but he already told Mr. Dumas beforehand that he was going to be late because he was coming to get me. When Alex and I walked into the band room, some high girlish voice yelled out "Jennifer!!" I looked around to see if it was a girl I knew from high school, but I didn't know any of the girls there. Later, after they went to practice on stage and came back down, Doug came to me and said "Jennifer!" in that same extremely high and girlish voice. Wow, was I wrong in thinking it was a girl!
Jeremy was moved from cymbals to snare drum, and so far, he's trying his hardest to perfect the instrument. I've always found the snare difficult, so I never learned, but they kept urging me to try it, so I did today in front of everyone. I was so embarrased because everyone was watching >_<. At least I didn't make any mistakes. The Drumline leader, Alan, offered to put me on first base drum, until he found out I wasn't joining Methodist's marching band. It would have been fun if I could...
From reading the music in Jeremy's notebook, and hearing the beats played by the drumline, I felt confident that I could learn it in no time, but I had to remind myself that marching band is no longer my place to be...

Afterwards, the band had a two hour break. Alex, Jeremy, Horace, Luke, and I went to the student center to play pool after one of Jeremy's friends showed us around the school. Tyler, Tamesha, and Jamesha came in not long after. It was like a little reunion!
After a few hours of playing pool, we went to Chris's House (which is, oddly, a house in the middle of the university that's been made into a hangout for college students. I don't know why it's called Chris's House. Maybe a guy named Chris used to live there). The band was having a cookout there. I had a hot dog, a burger, a small bag off cheetos, some macaroni salad and some potato salad while we all watched Epic Movie. Yes, I've got quite an appetite today, haha XD. Alex didn't really want to eat anything because he feels bad taking food when he's not a part of the band. I told him " I'm not in this band either!" but he replied with "but you know people here. I at least want to make sure everyone in the band gets something before I even think about getting any." So, I gave him some of my burger and some of my cheetos so he won't starve. I also made him get a soda. I can't believe a soda would make him feel guilty too!
Well, Nick doesn't find me annoying anymore. He smiled, said hi, and talked to me, unlike back in marching band and during prom when he tried to avoid me like a plague

I promised my dad that I was going home at 7, and it was already 6:40, so I asked Alex to take me home. I said bye to Mr. and Mrs. Dumas (another sad parting >_<), Jeremy, Tyler, and the new people I met, and left for home.

I'm so glad that I was able to see everyone this week :)

Pssh. Growing up is overrated. I've decided that I'm not gonna grow up until I'm 25. I used to think that once I get to a certain age, I should start acting a certain way, but... haha. Well that idea's getting thrown out the window! Being young is so much more fun anyway ^_^

I'm going to be a doctor!!!!!

My parents went to Raleigh and bought a lot of Chinese food! It's nice to have it since I haven't had a chance to taste authentic Chinese in a long time, but OMG I'M SO FULL!!!


Oh, update... I'm probably going to move to Raleigh once I start college. Let me know if any of you want to come visit me there!!!

I finally did it. It took me a very long time. I dropped my microeconomics class, and I also quit my job to find time to concentrate on my core classes. Along with some hard studying, I finally managed to make a 92.667% in AP Calculus. THAT'S ROUNDED TO AN A! I finally have an A average!

I was so proud of myself, I went from a freakin 79 to an almost 93. I told my parents, and they weren't the least bit proud... They just said "what's the point? you didn't get into the schools we wanted you to get into anyway. you should have been doing this your whole 4 years of school, but instead you messed up your junior year joining a bunch of crap. And you probably didn't even get all As in your other classes."

So... therefore, my happiness shrank down to bitterness. Whenever my friends are proud of me, it never seemed to be enough. I always wanted my parents and grandparents to be proud, but they expect much more from me than anyone else, simply because my brother does better in school.

When will I finally put aside their opinions and finally be proud of myself and all that I have accomplished along the way?

So yeah... I'm still moping about stuff I can't forget about. But as I'm looking out the window that streams in sunlight in my office at work, I realize that I'm not really in touch with my feelings... because everytime I'm upset, I just try to tell myself that there are other people who are going through much more emotional turmoil than me, and that I should just suck it up.

With my brother, it's much worse. He tends to express his emotional by acting out and doing all he could to get attention.
I hide everything and hope someone who can read me like a book will magically appear and make everything better.

But hey, I'm 19 now. I'm pretty much grown, and I need to start acting and thinking like one.

I read Hamlet in class, and saw the movie too.

I can't believe there is so much in me that seems to resemble the main character's. It's a bit scary.
I don't wanna end up like him though.

I wanna be triumphant! And live to tell my story!

the painting of a broken heart
while painful to look at
has a beauty that is indescribable.

I've blown up!! I've been having so much homework that all I do is SIT THERE for hours trying to finish it all, and when I go to work I just SIT THERE TOO, and when I'm at school I just SIT IN CLASS. There's no exercising at all and it's prom in 2 weeks and I'm HUGE RIGHT NOW!! AGH!!!


I'm not gonna eat except for veggies now :(

I made choices where I choose not to be near them, yet when they finally feel like leaving, I suddenly have an urge to pull them back and tell them to not go.

Then, there are times where all I wanted is for certain people to be in my life, but because they choose to leave me, I accept and let them go, while feeling horrible from that day since.

I want people around me to be happy, but I seem to sacrifice my own happiness for them. People have always told me being selfish is wrong, and that is far from what I want to be.
Is there a time when being selfish is okay? Is your own happiness really deserving of hurting others to get where you want to be?

Is there a second choice to all this?

the school black out dance sucked. waste of 5 dollars.

As time passes
I start to forgive myself for the things that
I've felt most guilty about, and hated myself for

But for some reason
the memories of a select few
who have stepped into and out
of my life
has never left me

It's been years now
a child I no longer am
But one that others perceive as
Grown
But never have I been able to
put down all these people
as I have put down my guilt
that I have given myself.

I wish someone would teach me to forget about the past... past feelings and past events so i can finally move on. I can't seem to do this by myself.

I'm getting older :)

hmm... if I were to compare a boy to a summer's day, like how Shakespeare did for a girl, I wonder how the poem would look once it gets changed...

Tomorrow's the day. I wonder if I'm ready for this. Guess I'll know when it happens.